Not at the Academy
by Odyssion
Summary: There are many things a shinobi must know that are not taught at the academy. Naruto is willing to teach Jiraiya the Sexy no Jutsu... for a price.


_Disclaimer:_ This is a purely non-profit story written for entertainment purposes only. The characters of Naruto belong to their respective owners.

_Warning:_ Yaoi, NaruSasu, parts with a more disturbing couple. Some OOCness, lots of frisking. Ninjas are very frisky.

_Author's Notes:_ Ah, the lengths that perverts will go to in order to expand their perverted ways. Tsunade's just a victim, and so it Sasuke. The perverts are evil.

* * *

**Not at the Academy **

The kid was a haggler, Jiraiya had to admit sourly as he sulked stealthily towards the Hokage tower. For once (and possibly the first time) in his life, the blond had used his brain instead of his mouth/stomach and/or other parts of the anatomy not designed for thought and had actually won an argument. He should've been proud, and in fact, _would've_ been proud, save for the fact that this time those negotiating skills had been turned against him.

"Her underwear or nothing at all," Naruto declared resolutely. No matter how much Jiraiya tried to cajole, embarrass, or even threaten, he remained firm in his decision.

"Fine," Jiraiya sighed mock dramatically. "I was never really that interested anyway. What would be the point of turning into a woman?"

As he turned to leave, Naruto's voice reached his ears. "No wonder your stories are so unrealistic…"

In a flash, the Legendary Sannin had whipped back around to face his student. "What was that?"

Naruto looked at him lazily, eyes suddenly laden with sleep. "Oh, nothing. I was just commenting on how your novels are a little farfetched. I mean, that's not what women _really_ feel."

Jiraiya laughed outright. "_You're _telling _me_ how women feel?" His burst of laughter died to a dull chuckle. "Kid, I had more women before you were born than you probably will in your whole life."

It wasn't arrogance; toads just seemed to have that effect on many of the ladies of his generation. Unfortunately, the younger women didn't seem to find them nearly as appealing.

"It's not about quantity," Naruto countered, stifling a yawn, "but quality."

He arched an eyebrow. "Quality?"

"Well, yeah." Naruto fell down on the soft grass, stretching into a comfortable recline. "See, you don't know what it feels like for a woman."

The following argument had drifted from anatomy to orgasms, venturing into the unexplored waters of fantasies and toys.

"You could never know because you've never been a woman. I, on the other hand, know exactly what it feels like. And if you want to be a top-notch writer, you have to do your research."

In the end they had struck a deal. He tried not to think how pathetic it was that a kid had outwitted him, and prayed to any deity that would listen that he wouldn't get caught.

"This should be standard stuff," the ero-sennin muttered darkly to himself as he leapt quickly across the rooftops. If he were ever made Hokage, the first thing he would do would be to change the academy curriculum to include such fundamental jutsus. Knowing the anatomy of the opposite sex perfectly could be extremely useful during undercover missions, he mused, for far more purposes than one…

A shingle of the roof he'd landed on gave way beneath his foot, and for a second he was certain that the ground would dash their scheme before it even began. Thankfully his hand caught on to the house's antenna and he was able to flip himself onto solid footing. He didn't think about anything even remotely related to "undercover" (or under covers) after that.

-----

The Hokage tower was thankfully deserted by the time he arrived. The sun had just started to set, shadowing the clouds and tingeing the sky a spectrum of red. He tried the door and found that it was still unlocked, even though all the shinobi had left. He felt ridiculously childish as he cast a wary look around him before slipping into the building, a man in his fifties acting like a pre-teen.

"Underwear, underwear…"

The whole thing was ludicrous. Why Naruto would want a pair of Tsunade's underwear was beyond him.

"She keeps some spare clothes in a bag somewhere in her office," he intoned, nodding twice for emphasis. "I don't care which ones, just one pair of underwear will do."

But the underwear eluded him. With each passing minute, he became more convinced that this was one of Naruto's fables, made to trick him into getting into trouble with Tsunade. What reasonable explanation would he have for her if she came through the door that moment? The more he thought on it, the more anxious he got, but he was determined to learn the secrets of womanhood.

_Damn him!_

He was about to give it up when he spied something hidden behind a large pile of paperwork. Hopeful, he scurried over to find aforementioned bag – and inside, the fabled underwear.

"Red lace?"

Jiraiya lifted it to eye level, holding it awkwardly in his hands. He had expected no less from his teammate, but invading her privacy to such an extreme was doing terrible things to his nerves; they still remembered the beating she had given him when she had caught him peeping that one time, and something told him this would be a far greater offence.

As if heralding his fears, he heard footsteps on the stairs.

_Shit!_

They were ascending quickly, whoever they were, and he was caught like a deer in the headlights – even though Konoha didn't have either. When he finally came to, the first thought he had was to get rid of the evidence.

_You're the freaking evidence!_

Hurriedly, he stuffed the underwear into his shirt, eyes scanning for an exit.

_Shit shit shit shit –_

There was no time to scramble out the window, and there was nowhere he could hide. Outside, the footsteps had come to a stop and he could feel a hand reaching for the door.

_Ah craaaaaap._

The wood whispered softly as it slid open. "Naruto?"

-----

He was surprised to hear a male voice call out to him, and even more surprised to find a pair of dark eyes boring into his own quizzically.

_The Uchiha boy…_

He smiled uneasily, feeling the skin around his mouth move to form the emotion as his hand brushed against blond hair. Fully expecting Tsunade, he had transformed into the first person he could think of – which happened to be Naruto (he sure as hell wasn't going to take the blame for this one) – but it seemed his plan had backfired.

_What the hell is his name?_

It would seem awfully suspicious of he didn't know the name of his own teammate, and this kid wasn't as unobservant as his own hopeless student.

_Sasori? Sas…Sasore? Sasume? Sasuke? Sasuke?_

"Sasuke," he pushed out between gritted teeth, hoping it was the right one. He still didn't know what to do if it wasn't, but to his disbelief, it was.

The boy snorted once, closed the door behind him, and moved to the desk where Jiraiya – Naruto – was standing. He was incredibly grateful the boy's eyes weren't in the permanent Sharingan, as his brother's were. That would make him as good as naked.

"What are you doing here?" the pale boy asked, placing a stack of papers on Tsunade's desk. "It's a little late, isn't it?"

He kept the smile well plastered, trying to perform his best impersonation of a certain loudmouth genin. "Oh, Tsu—the granny sent me here to put some stuff away for her." Not a convincing lie, he knew, but he hoped it would be good enough; the correction had been late as well, but at least it was there. He headed for the door. "Anyway, I better get goin—"

A pale hand reached out to stop him. "Leaving so soon?"

The grip was strong, and for a split second he was sure he had been found out – but that was before Sasuke had forcefully crushed his lips against Jiraiya's (_Naruto's_) as his hand tugged insistently at the zip of the orange jacket.

When they broke apart, he barely had any breath left in him. For a moment he forgot who he was supposed to be, forgot the farce and all the rest of it. "What-what are you doing?"

A dark eyebrow arched, bemused. "What does it look like I'm doing?" He walked – almost sauntered – towards Jiraiya (**Naruto**, damn it!) in a way that was far too unnerving. He wasn't used to being hit on by someone who could be his son – or grandson, for that matter. Cute young kunoichi were one thing, but this was just… disturbing

"W-we can't!" he blurted, and found the squeak in Naruto's voice almost amusing. "I-I mean… we can't here… now…" His knees hit the edge of the desk, hard, and he almost lost his balance. The other boy was on him in an instant.  
"That's not what you said last night," he breathed softly into Jir–_Naruto's_ ear, warm tongue tracing his earlobe and small hand moving deftly to the button of his pants. "Didn't you want to know what it felt like to fuck on the Hokage's desk?"

Jiraiya's eyes widened. "Sasu—ah!"

The other boy had pressed himself firmly onto the replica of his lover, and the Legendary Sannin wasn't feeling quite so legendary as he felt the unmistakable nudge of something hard against his navel, felt the sickening lurch in his stomach that only came with certain knowledge. He was likely to be in more trouble than it was worth, he knew, as he felt the borrowed body responding. He _really_ needed to get out.

"Ahh… later!" he promised his student's lover, squeezed his eyes shut and tried not to think about how old he was as he placed a chaste kiss on foreign lips, thinking that he had in all probability missed, and not caring at all. He heaved the teen off of him with all of Naruto's strength, and was gone before Sasuke could react.

-----

Naruto was waiting for him when he reached the clearing, darting through the trees like a hunted animal.

"Here," he said shakily, throwing the panties at the blonde's feet. "That was the most disturbing thing that's ever happened to me – and that's saying something." He could still feel the warm breath in his ear, the taunt flesh of youth pressing against him. Even though he was back in his own body, certain parts of him were still tingling. He'd never felt so violated before.

Naruto picked up the underwear, laughing. "Aww, come on, it's just a pair of panties. I thought you perverts liked this stuff."

Jiraiya glared. "Alright, alright, I got you your little prize. Now show me the damn jutsu already."

His student rolled the red fabric into a little ball, stuffing it into his pocket in much the same fashion as Jiraiya had when he had been so strangely interrupted. A large smile made its way across his face. "Hmm… no."

He couldn't believe his ears (or ear, since one was still doing funny things). "What?"

"Ha! I would never give up my trademark jutsu so easily!" He was positively beaming. "I just wanted to see if you would actually do it!"

_Little backstabbing bastard!_

The sennin felt his anger rising, and took a step towards Naruto… who took a step back, and prepared to take off.

"Thanks for the prize, ero-sennin!" They both knew Jiraiya would have a hard time catching him.

But perhaps he wouldn't need to… as his ear had just given him an excellent option. "Alright, then. I'll just tell Tsunade that you and Sasuke want to screw each other on her desk."

That stopped him in his tracks. Naruto's face was as pale as the moon. "W-what did you just say?"

He had to fight to keep the smirk off his face. "Oh nothing… just that you and your boyfriend do have strange tastes in mating places."

"How…how did you…?" The genin's face was pure horror.

Jiraiya let the self-satisfied smile reach his lips. "So, are you going to teach me or not?"

-----

They sat on the highest branch, watching two bare bodies wrestling in the far-reaching tendrils of golden grass.

"Children these days…" Jiraiya muttered, watching the blades fold under the weight of naked flesh as Naruto's laughter drifted to his ears. Milky fingers entwined with tanned ones as midnight black met midday sun.

"Hn." Beside him, Kakashi's eyes never strayed from his book. "You're welcome to try and stop them."

He remembered Sasuke's kiss and blanched. "Then again, kids never listen." The noises from below them were starting to turn from childish amusement to a very mature theme. "Thanks for the tip, Kakashi. I never would've known about those two if you hadn't told me to go last night. Man, talk about kinky…" In the distance, a suspicious red speck was flying from the flagpole.

"You don't sit in enough trees," Kakashi said simply.

Jiraiya didn't stop to consider what that was supposed to mean. "Here, as promised." He pulled out the newest volume of _Icha Icha Paradise_, its cover crisp, and handed it to the jounin. "See you around."

The old man was gone in a flash and Kakashi was left to grin over the fact that he had exploitable students, wondering if Tsunade would ever figure out how her underwear became a flag. He eagerly opened his new book to the first page.

-----

She was a voluptuous thing, heavy-breasted and curved like a sculpture. Her white hair was cropped short, falling just below her chin to accentuate the two red lines like blood tears that ran from her eyes. The other girls welcomed her openly into the bathhouse, cracking jokes and walking around naked in the rising steam. "Jira" observed it all, her dark eyes flitting from one woman to the next with each introduction. Her body was still new to her, but she would have plenty of time to explore it later. The bathhouse, on the other hand, would close in a few hours, and "she" was going to make the most of it.

-----

There are many things a shinobi must know that are not taught at the academy. He was certain that this was one of them.

**END**

* * *


End file.
